How to Build Self-Confidence: 5 Steps to Reveal and Flourish

Photo de Caique Nascimento

For a long time, people's opinions were my reference point, my tool for evaluating my self-confidence and decisions.

The problem is that as I grew up, I built up my self-image based on others' opinions. One New Year's Eve, at midnight, I realized that my life was not as I wanted it to be. I felt suffocated, as if I had been playing a role to fit in all my life. Despite all my efforts, I had lost confidence in myself. So, I turned to personal development. I tried several methods such as positive affirmations, vision boards, setting goals, practicing meditation, and more.

Did these help me gain confidence? No, on the contrary, stress and frustration became part of my daily life because I was always trying to prove something to myself.

Do others' opinions reveal who we truly are? Is self-confidence innate or reserved to certain people?

The answer to both questions is no! Others' opinions are subjective, and self-confidence is not innate, even if some people naturally have more of it than others. Self-confidence is earned! Just like anything in life (you will realize this sooner or later), you get nothing without effort.

Here’s how I regained my self-confidence:

"Self-confidence is the feeling, the awareness that one has of their own worth and from which one draws a certain assurance."

Larousse

1- Face Yourself

The first thing to do is facing yourself, meaning reflecting on yourself and your story to observe what has happened so far, identifying the role you have played and the emotions you have felt during this phase of your life.

To help you, you can answer the following questions:

• What has happened in my life?
• What kind of childhood did I have?
• What have I accomplished?
• What were my challenges and obstacles?
• How did I get here?
• What do I think of myself and the world?
• In this reality, what role have I played?
• What emotion did I feel?
• Am I happy or dissatisfied?
• What do I no longer want in my life?
• What do I want to get rid off?

By exploring your story, you can gain more clarity on what has been:

• Your obstacles
• Your brakes
• Your wounds
• Your experiences, both good and bad

You can make a list of what you want to get rid of in your life and draw lessons from your experiences to move forward.

2- Self-centered

If you want to gain self-confidence, it is important that you live centered on yourself, instead of doing things based on others.

Being self-centered does not mean becoming selfish, but making your own development a priority, putting your interests before those of others. Like in an airplane, the safety measure is to put the oxygen mask on your face before helping others. If you are not in shape, how do you think you can take care of your loved ones? If you achieve things in life, don’t you think your children will benefit? Help yourself and the sky will help you; everything starts with centering yourself.

You must become your own point of reference because you have within you all the resources to know what is best for you or not in your life.

Why do you need self-confidence?

To dare to accomplish your projects and desires, to feel more comfortable with yourself and others.

Take a moment to ask yourself the following questions:

• What do I really want?
• If you don’t know what you want (because many don’t), make a list of everything you don’t want. Surely, what you deeply desire will be the opposite.

Write down what comes to mind in a notebook.

3- Create a New Version of Yourself

Nope, just wanting is not enough to be able!

It’s a good start, of course, but you need to change your behavior to get new results. You might ask: How do I change? Fighting with yourself to change is a waste of time. The best way is to reinvent yourself by creating a new identity or alter ego. This way, you can finally play a "good" role in your own movie.

Maxwell Maltz, in his book Psycho-Cybernetics ”, explains that creating a new version of yourself involves practicing and acting as this ideal version of yourself daily until it becomes natural. Ask yourself:

• What beliefs do I need to adopt?
• What values will I embody?
• What behaviors do I need to integrate?

Additionally, he suggests regularly practicing visualization and relaxation to help integrate your ideal version more quickly.

Also Todd Herman, in his book “The Alter Ego Effect,” explains that the alter ego involves adopting a specific identity in moments of impact. It's the important moments in your day when you need to perform with certain character traits essential to achieving your goals. Like Beyoncé, who becomes Sasha Fierce on stage to overcome her shyness and deliver exceptional performances.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What character traits would make me invincible in this situation?
• What identity can I adopt to excel here?
• What are the superpowers of my alter ego?

Of course, it’s by practicing that this new identity will gradually take place, allowing you to change your life and manifest your dreams. And naturally, in this way, you will gain confidence.

4- Cultivate Positivity

By adopting a positive attitude and mindset, you develop faith in a better future and in your own abilities.

This belief reinforces the idea that, despite challenges, "everything will be alright in the end." Positivity also allows us to develop resilience, the ability to bounce back from difficulties. With a positive attitude, we become more capable of taking action, more serene, and thus more confident.

Optimism becomes a powerful tool to navigate through life's trials with assurance and determination.

5- Create an Action Plan

To embody your new identity or alter ego, you need to put an action plan in place.

For your new version of yourself: define how it behaves. What does its day look like, what does it do in personal and professional areas? Identify the priorities, create an action plan and a daily routine.

For the alter ego, choose a field of action as a priority. While the method can be used for several areas, it is advisable to work on one area first, then address another. For example, if you choose the professional field:

• Write down your professional goal.
• Break down all the steps necessary to achieve it.
• Define how your alter ego will intervene at each moment of impact to help you achieve your goal.
• Establish an action plan in which your alter ego will intervene.

Todd Herman also suggests wearing an artifact or totem during moments of impact to step into the shoes of your alter ego. For example, he wears glasses to embody his alter ego and removes them once he has finished performing, like Superman and Clark Kent.

Taking action allows you to practice, experiment, and live new experiences.

CONCLUSION

You need to change things to have change in your life. I find it interesting to do so by being creative and playing. For me, taking on a secret identity is rather fun! It’s a way to do things with less effort and more in a playful spirit.

In essence, adopting a new identity and creating an alter ego are complementary. You can definitely implement both methods to achieve goals in different areas of your life.

So, let's play! Finally play a role in your own movie that will help you move forward in life.